OCD or Nirvana?

I’ve practiced avoidance my entire life. As the youngest of four girls, I learned early that conflict would seldom resolve my way. And I hated conflict to begin with, so, with Cheshire-cat-like ability, I learned just to not be where conflict was happening. That particular kind of avoidance stood me in good stead for a long time, both at home and at school. At church, of course, I was always in the front row with my hand up – Goodie-Two-Shoes had nothing on me! (No doubt I caused plenty of other people to practice avoidance, though.)

But the kind of avoidance I’m practicing now is of a different flavor – one not so savory, and a little pathetic. The bottom has dropped out of our financial world and I’ve got bills that I have no way of paying, so I’m not taking calls, not opening mail: it’s all just being placed in a folder for “later.” And I have a friend who’s gone off the deep end, politically, and has said several very hurtful things. Ordinarily, I’d be going to her privately and talking this out – but I’m not. I’ve had enough. It’s too much effort to reanimate a friendship that is only good when I agree. My long history of not fighting back, of avoiding conflict has come back to bite me but good (and bite me butt good, too! LOL)

So what is it that I’m doing instead of dealing with these issues? What important activity has all of my focus and attention? Um…FrontierVille.

What?

You heard me, that Facebook game.

Farmville????

NO! Frontierville. Farmville’s flat and boring. FrontierVille’s all woodsy and fun.

Oh. Heady stuff.

Yeah.

It’s pretty embarrassing, really. I have lots to do. My Writing Group is putting out an Anthology this year. I’ve had stories to review, and now edit. I’m working on the cover art. I have another story I’m working on of my own. I have two wedding portraits that I’m trying to get finished for weddings this month. And I should be out pounding the pavement, submitting flyers and passing out business cards to build up my Facepainting business. But what am I doing? I’m rearranging my cabins and crops and animals, laying down “roads” and putting up fences, visiting my “neighbors” and earning energy to spend on my own homestead.

And not only my own homestead. FV requires plenty of “neighbors” to play well, and I really only use Facebook for family—so I started a homestead for my husband, too, because he plays all sorts of FB games and has over 2,000 friends on his list! That was very effective, and I even got several of his friends to become my friends, also. But there came a time when I really needed "a third hand," so I started another homestead in the name of the main character in the book I’m writing. “Danae” became, almost, an alter ego for me. She has her own friends list—several of whom are on neither mine nor Ed’s—and has conversations with her new friends and everything! Is this healthy?

Then Ed’s two kids each started homesteads of their own and played for a while, got bored, and quit……so their homesteads were just sitting there not doing anything……and my daughter, Emily (who was the naughty little vixen who got me to play FrontierVille in the first place!) really needed something—five somethings…and Mellie, Ed, Danae, Meagan, and Drue added up to five. So…I did the obvious thing and started using their homesteads as “feeder” stations, funneling good stuff to Emily and me.

Now, I realized long ago that I was playing my own homestead obsessively. So, when I found myself handling five of them (pretty well, I must say)—I knew I was hiding from something.

I can be completely and totally wrong, on occasion. And I can be stubbornly adamant about a misunderstanding, too. But I’m not one to lie to myself. In fact, I’m usually too harsh in my self-judgment. So, if I’m hiding something from myself, it’s not likely to be a moral issue or something important like that. It’s far more likely to be something distasteful or uncomfortable that I’m avoiding. Something really dumb.

I started digging around in my psyche, a little worried about what I might find there—really, there’s just no telling—and, to my delight, found that I was being perfectly rational! What a relief!

I have several things happening right now that are completely outside of my control. Several things that I must do, by law, that I have no possible way of doing. No-win decisions to make, not between bad and worse, or good and bad, but between bad and bad. And several serious worries that I can do nothing about. Whew! I’d have to be psychotic not to want to avoid those things!

So, I talked about it with Ed, bless the man, and he reminded me of why I put together jigsaw puzzles. When my life is chaotic and I feel like I’m at the mercy of unmerciful circumstance, I pull out a 300 or 500 piece jigsaw puzzle—just the right size to do in an evening after dinner—and I put it together; I bring order out of chaos. For a few hours, my effort has visible effect, which is resolved (finished) with a tangible result. I practically achieve nirvana. This has been my therapy of choice for over forty years, and this is exactly what I’ve been doing with FrontierVille. I’ve built a little bit of beautifully-ordered paradise on my little homestead, and I’m in complete control of it.

In the usual, lovely way the Universe has of bringing understanding at the appropriate time, my homestead (and Ed’s, too) is finished. Everything is just the way I want it. Now all I have to do is visit it occasionally to harvest my crops, feed my animals, visit a few neighbors, and enjoy how well I’ve created my little frontier town. And I’m going to do just that and allow it (guilt-free) to work its magic for me: my own little ordered space in a chaotic and out-of-control world. So, if you’re looking for me and I’m not answering my email, head over to Facebook and FrontierVille and ask for Melanie Ann Smith. You’re welcome to drop by my town anytime and say, “Howdy!”